I really am a dork

Second time declining an invitation to a party.
Maybe the third.
In my defense, two of them were birthday parties at some club, and a) the birthday-ed person was not on my favorite-people list, and b) I'm not really the club type.
I'm more like the bookaholic. (no surprise here)

The thing is, I like dancing and stuff, but with friends. Not with a bunch of horny guys who only go there to hook up. I'm an effing innocent virgin, for goodness' sake. It's unnerving.
Anyway, back to my procrastinating self. I know I should "live by the moment". I am perfectly aware that I'm fi--sixteen (why do I always say fifteen? I don't even know my own age), that I should party and have fun and make the best of it. Believe me, I do. But I'm just not like that.
I'm shy, insecure, and worst of all, I act like I am none of those things.
I know a few people who are shy, and insecure like me, but their "condition" is public to everybody, so everybody knows.
With me.. strangely enough, I'm too proud to admit it, and that makes it twice the harder. Because I am shy, and nobody knows. So nobody gets my behavior. Unnerving, this, too.

So yeah, I'm basically writing this post while everybody's at this party, having fun, while I, the dork that I'm aware of being, am home crying (metaphorically speaking of course, I don't cry. Never) my heart out to a blog nobody even reads.

What a nice evening.


xx darkwriter